Four years ago, I wrote a biweekly column for a Latter-day-Saint-friendly online publication. After the section on same-sex relationships was taken out of BYU’s Honor Code, I wrote an article pointing out the advantage of this change to students and the school. Just before I submitted for publication, the Church Educational System issued a clarification which made clear that any type of same-sex romantic relationship was a violation of the Honor Code (potentially grounds for dismissal from the University). I left the article unpublished.

As the anniversary of these events comes around again, I decided to post the article I wrote as a recognition of what might have been and what may yet be.

I don’t expect many people to understand what I’m about to share. I have a loving and beautiful relationship with my husband, who is the best person I know. I’m grateful for our years together and each member of the family we have created. But we are ending our marriage, to protect my mental health.

I do invite you to consider what your response will be if someone comes out to you this week. How will you respond? How will you protect their safety? How will you listen out of love, not fear? Can you set aside judgment and listen with openheartedness, both to them and to whatever words God may give you?

“What if, instead of looking around to see what others are doing, we look up to the Savior, and join hands in gratitude across whatever gaps may exist between us? Can I allow others to do Church differently than I do, if I am rejoicing with them in the love, grace, and tender mercies of the Son of God, our Savior Jesus Christ? “

“A few weeks ago, Meghan showed me part of a text she received where a friend asked how I was coping with my wife being gay.  The short answer is ‘good.’  A more complete answer, like most real life, is more complex.”

“I feel more free, more myself, and more whole spiritually and emotionally. I feel mostly free of the shame that crushed me, because when I am not hiding I am not in shame. I am able to help others in ways I could not do when I was hidden. I feel more integrity, more at ease with all parts of me coming together.”

Since Tender Leaves of Hope: Finding Belonging as LGBTQ Latter-day Saint Women became available, I’ve received multiple requests for the Vegan Butter Chicken recipe, which I talk about in the beginning of Chapter Four. Here’s the story and the link for the recipe.

Guest post from Colette Dalton! “I know how hard it is to be vulnerable and open up to others so that you can connect with them. It’s scary and it doesn’t always work out. But human beings are social creatures, and we need connection just like we need food, water, and shelter.”

In this excerpt from Meghan Decker’s upcoming book Tender Leaves of Hope: Finding Belonging as LGBTQ Latter-day Saint Women, Meghan discusses the deceptive voice of shame which keeps us in hiding and despair.

Dr. Lacey Bagley shares some of her personal story with insights about sparks of connection.

After I came out publicly to my friends and family, I felt as though I could breathe deeply for the first time in my adult life. I didn’t realize how tightly I held myself, and fear of discovery limited every relationship. I was friendly but fearful, caring yet careful. My family and friends have so much more of me now that I’m not hiding.

When we focus on how others are falling short, rather than how we can improve, we are victims of a shell game that distracts us from shaping our own families in the image of heaven. It is a tragic loss. Weaponizing the Proclamation as a mere defense against same-sex marriage diminishes our own potential to become more godly.

AJ (not her real name) is in the midst of a heartbreaking change for her family, but she also helps us feel the increased love and presence of the Lord in her life as she navigates her way forward.

This is an except from Tender Leaves of Hope: Finding Belonging as LGBTQ Latter-day Saint Women, coming out in spring 2022. Here is a short clip from a presentation on this topic; this is the backstory

I’m excited to announce the upcoming spring release of Tender Leaves of Hope: Finding Belonging as LGBTQ Latter-day Saint Women. Based on my experience as a gay Latter-day Saint, this book also reflects the insights and lives of dozens of other women who find themselves at the crossroads of their sexual orientation or identity and their faith.

Shortly after I admitted my same-sex attraction to myself and my husband David, I read Dr. Lisa Diamond’s Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Here I started to find some context for my lived experience. In Dr. Diamond’s research I heard echoes of my own reality—attracted to women and one particular, amazing man. I started to build a new framework to understand my sexuality, my orientation toward women, the authenticity of my marriage, and how my life could make sense.

Every story has a beginning

I am a woman attracted to women. While for many women, that is a cause to rejoice rather than mourn, it put me at odds with my religious beliefs, my community, and the life that I felt God wanted for me. That dissonance created a deep shame inside me that devolved at times into suicidal depression, even as my conscious mind refused to acknowledge the cause.