“Why Do You Have to Talk About This?” Understanding the Need to Come Out
Spoken or not, the question “Why do you have to talk about this?” is a common reaction to my openness about my sexual orientation. After all, I didn’t talk about it for almost 60 years. I am married, I have children and grandchildren, I am actively engaged in the Church and often serve in leadership and teaching positions—I can pass for straight without even breaking a sweat. Why talk about something that seems a non-issue if I’m not making big changes, especially when the topic is distasteful or uncomfortable for some of my friends and ward members?
If you find yourself asking why others choose to talk about either sexual orientation or identity, I hope that question comes from curiosity, rather than judgment or rejection. Perhaps reading about my experience will help you to understand more about this frightening and healing process.
Why do I need to come out when I don’t plan to leave the church or my marriage—when I’m not changing anything? Because being honest and open does change everything. It relieves me of the shame that has shadowed my life for decades. This is especially important for members of the Church who may have internalized judgment, rejection, and shame. The incongruence between how we are seen and the inner reality of our lives is excruciating. We might feel we are deceiving those around us, both family and friends. We are afraid of the rejection we might feel if others saw us as we really are. Our perception of ourselves becomes dark and distorted.
Satan urges us to hide and isolate ourselves. God invites us into light and truth and community. It may be at His insistent invitation that we choose to invite others to know us more fully, to see all the reality of our lives and to love and accept us as we are. If we choose to stay in the Church, that choice often comes at a significant cost and sacrifice; having the friendship and support of others make it easier. One friend recently wrote to me about her own coming out process: “I realize I could stay quiet the rest of my life and no one would know, but there is a part of me that won’t allow this to happen. …I want to be seen, and I want others to step up and help carry the load with me so it won’t feel so heavy.”
After I came out publicly to my friends and family, I felt as though I could breathe deeply for the first time in my adult life. I didn’t realize how tightly I held myself, and fear of discovery limited every relationship. I was friendly but fearful, caring yet careful. My family and friends have so much more of me now because I’m not hiding.
“I realize I could stay quiet the rest of my life and no one would know… I want to be seen, and I want others to step up and help carry the load with me so it won’t feel so heavy.”
You know how to support moms with new babies, but what is the script for supporting a friend who comes out to you, inviting you into the sacred spaces of their lives? I confided in a friend early on, and though I managed to get the words out in response to a powerful push from the Spirit, I felt I might throw up or pass out. I was afraid of her response, but more afraid of never being able to talk to my closest friends about this part of who I am, how it has shaped me and my relationship with God. After absorbing what I was telling her, she said “I think I love you more now than ever.” That response from my Relief Society sister, my Gospel Doctrine class student, my dear friend, brought light and hope and unconditional love into my heart. Hearing that she still loved me and would be my supportive friend was the best first response.
Here are other ways of responding to someone who trusts you and confides in you:
Understand sexual orientation or identity is not a choice. It is not a sin. It is not an act of rebellion against God. Don’t try to change them or promise eventual “healing.” They need to be healed from shame and self-loathing and fear—not from their orientation or identity, which may be part of God’s plan for their lives and include gifts they have yet to discover.
If you avoid talking about the subject again, it will reinforce the shame they feel. Be open and curious. Ask your questions. Here are some good ones to start:
What has this been like for you?
How can I support you?
What do you want me to know?
Do you want to tell me your story?
Whatever they share, be non-judgmental. Listen with a desire to understand and pray for empathy.
Don’t try to fix anything. You can’t, and it’s not your job. They have a Savior who is teaching them and loving them, beyond limits of time and space. Your job is to love and listen.
Resist the urge to send Conference talks or quotes from General Authorities. Quotes are impersonal and may feel judgmental. They are likely familiar with those concepts already; what they don’t know is how you feel about them. Your willingness to lean in and have a conversation is much more powerful (remember—you don’t have to fix this. Trust God to work in His children’s lives for good).
They will likely have a vulnerability hangover after talking to you. They may second-guess their decision and tell themselves all sorts of terrible stories about what you think and what will happen. Reach out to them soon—by the next day at the latest. Reassure them of your love and respect and your gratitude for what they have shared with you. They have honored you with their trust, so continue to reach out even more than you have in the past.
Be a stone-catcher. Now that your friend has been vulnerable with you, speak up for love and inclusivity in church classes and casual discussions. Learn more about current Church teachings so you can correct obsolete teachings. You can read everything on the Church website, then move onto podcasts like Listen, Learn, and Love or Questions from the Closet. There are excellent books you can read, including Ben Schilaty’s A Walk in My Shoes: Questions I’m Often Asked As a Gay Latter-day Saint; Charlie Bird’s Without the Mask: Coming Out and Coming Into God’s Light; and Richard Ostler’s Listen, Learn, and Love, the companion book to his podcast. (Edit: since I wrote this post, my own book has Come Out 😊 Tender Leaves of Hope:Finding Belonging asLGBTQ Latter-day Saint Women)
Coming out is a healing act, for individuals and for relationships. Most people don’t come out to be trendy; they are desperately seeking acceptance and the assurance that their family and friends will love them as they are and support them as they discern their way forward. You have been honored by their invitation to truly see and hear them; tread carefully in the sacred spaces of their hearts.
