Curiosity Cures Judgment
Many of us may feel that there is not a place for us at Church, or that in some way we don’t fit in. While the ideal in our Church culture and doctrine is a happy family founded on a temple marriage between a man and woman with a houseful of kids, most of our Church membership does not fit into that pattern. Even if they do, there can still be profound feelings of disconnection or loneliness, with a fear of rejection. Never married, divorced, different ethnicity, political philosophy, LGBTQ, and so on—there can be lots of differences that seem to divide us and cause a lack of belonging. Bonnie Parkin teaches that belonging is “being needed, loved, and missed when you’re away; belonging is needing loving, and missing those who are away.” She adds “Belonging is our sacred birthright.” How many of our congregations experience this level of belonging, far beyond simply attending?
The September online issue of the Liahona magazine includes this quote from President M. Russell Ballard:
“It breaks my heart to think that someone would not feel there is a place for them at church on Sunday. There is a place for all of Heavenly Father’s children. Every one of us is a precious member of God’s family. Come! Wherever you are, and whoever you are. …
“I would hope that ward members work in a spirit of unity to include one another. Instead of judging each other, we should remember that the Savior Jesus Christ is interested only in our personal growth. We should not compare ourselves with others. Let us love each other, and remember that even He ‘continued from grace to grace, until He received a fulness’ [Doctrine and Covenants 93:13].”
President Ballard makes a clear connection between a lack of belonging and the judgment of others. In fact, feeling judged is one of the main reasons people leave the Church. While other factors impact the decision, that sense of disconnectedness, of not belonging, not fitting in, or being rejected is a root cause for people to walk out the chapel doors and never return.
Ryan Gottfredson recently wrote an excellent article about why members leave the Church, and he cites research that shows a primary reason given for leaving is “feeling judged or misunderstood.” We can do better, but what contributes to the judgmental atmosphere that can permeate our Church community, and how do we overcome it?
For the most part, Latter-day Saints tend to be friendly, kind people. Why do our own spiritual siblings feel judged in our midst? Perhaps one factor is our emphasis on rules and structure. My children knew exactly what was expected of them, because they had a little handbook that gave them instructions on appropriate choices in clothing, language, and behavior. As adults, we find unity in following the same rules: we don’t drink coffee or go to movies on Sunday, we do accept callings and minister to each other and show up to clean the building. We know what is expected, what our clothing, language, and behavior should look like, and when others vary from that norm, we may feel threatened (“Why does my daughter’s teacher have multiple earrings and a tattoo?”) or judgmental (“How can she get away with shorts like that and still wear garments?”). The more peoples’ lives vary from our norm, the more suspect they become. And the more judgment they feel.
That is the result of a rule-based culture. But what if we shift to a mindset that focuses on our shared mutual purpose: to come unto Christ? What if, instead of looking around to see what others are doing, we look up to the Savior, and join hands in gratitude across whatever gaps may exist between us? Can I allow others to do Church differently than I do, if I am rejoicing with them in the love, grace, and tender mercies of the Son of God, our Savior Jesus Christ?
When I do look around at others, I can do it with curiosity rather than judgment. I can wonder at the various circumstances of our lives, the diversity in upbringing, opportunities, experiences, challenges, and gifts, and I can listen to others’ stories. When I get closer to them, when I listen and learn, the eyes of my understanding are opened, and my world expands by seeing lives different from my own. I become empathetic rather than judgmental. As my friend Marianne told me, “When I keep my borders porous, and let people in and out easily, my life is enriched. In staying open to everyone I meet…everyone and everything is my teacher.”
This is the essence of humility, a trait to which we aspire. To be curious, to be teachable, to be open to everyone we meet—that is an empathetic community, a place where everyone feels they belong, where there is room on every pew for someone who is different from the norm. One of my friends told me “I would have left the Church years ago, but my ward loves me too much.” In spite of her dismay with some things that are taught by Church leaders, her feeling of being loved, needed, and missed when she is away keeps her coming back to a place where she belongs and where she continues to feel connected to others and to God.
As we shift focus from our rules to our Savior, we find peace and rest in Him, and we are eager to invite others to come share in that light and love, without regard to how they live their lives. We feel safe with each other. We can be vulnerable, and open up about our wounds, so that we can comfort one another. We can rejoice together. That is a place where love dwells, and where the Spirit can be unrestrained. That place is Zion.
