Following my “aha” moment in mental health simulations, I talked to my therapist, and she told me the work of identity development normally takes place between the ages of 13-23. But it is delayed in stigmatized populations, like LGBTQIA+ Latter-day Saints and other groups who don’t “fit the norm” —who feel different. Their identity is hijacked by who they have to be to fit prescribed roles, rather than discovering that identity from within.

I was feeling the pain of grief over many losses. The song “What I Did for Love,” gave me perspective and language for how to process some of that grief. I don’t regret the things I did for love—love of God and a desire to please Him, love of my family, love of the people I served in the Church, love of the temple, love of a stable and socially acceptable life. That love brought both sweetness and sorrow, and the sorrow doesn’t cancel out the sweetness.

Here is the irony; I stand with greater confidence in the presence of God today. I am not hiding, not trying to control and remake myself, not trying to earn God’s love and approval, no longer wrapping up and burying my talent/self in fear of a harsh God. The loving God I have come to know encourages risk, forgives mistakes, gently corrects when I get it wrong and brings me back to His good road. This tender God teaches me to love myself as I am loved and tells me I am also the beloved.

I don’t expect many people to understand what I’m about to share. I have a loving and beautiful relationship with my husband, who is the best person I know. I’m grateful for our years together and each member of the family we have created. But we are ending our marriage, to protect my mental health.

“What if, instead of looking around to see what others are doing, we look up to the Savior, and join hands in gratitude across whatever gaps may exist between us? Can I allow others to do Church differently than I do, if I am rejoicing with them in the love, grace, and tender mercies of the Son of God, our Savior Jesus Christ? “

“A few weeks ago, Meghan showed me part of a text she received where a friend asked how I was coping with my wife being gay.  The short answer is ‘good.’  A more complete answer, like most real life, is more complex.”

“I feel more free, more myself, and more whole spiritually and emotionally. I feel mostly free of the shame that crushed me, because when I am not hiding I am not in shame. I am able to help others in ways I could not do when I was hidden. I feel more integrity, more at ease with all parts of me coming together.”

Since Tender Leaves of Hope: Finding Belonging as LGBTQ Latter-day Saint Women became available, I’ve received multiple requests for the Vegan Butter Chicken recipe, which I talk about in the beginning of Chapter Four. Here’s the story and the link for the recipe.