David’s Perspective
A few weeks ago, Meghan showed me part of a text she received where a friend asked how I was coping with my wife being gay. The short answer is “good.” A more complete answer, like most real life, is more complex.
Being married to someone who is attracted to anyone else isn’t what we dream about when we envision our future. But it is a reality for Meghan and me. I have had enough experience to know that while Meghan and I are unique individuals, having one or both partners feel attraction to someone else isn’t. Lots, if not all of us, feel attraction at some point to someone who isn’t our spouse. Granted, homosexual attraction in a heterosexual marriage makes for additional challenges, but the real issue, I think, is what Meghan and I do with the attractions we each feel.
Meghan first told me of her attraction to women on Christmas Eve, 2013. I had no idea. We had been married for 32 years and had five wonderful daughters with a growing assortment of delightful grandchildren. I thought we had a relatively successful marriage. People in our ward or stake might have described us as the perfect couple with an ideal marriage. Until we aged out, we were the couple invited to talk about dating and marriage for youth firesides.
Meghan tried to help me understand what she felt. The emotions were raw: she was scared; I was stunned, and the conversation was strained. What I really wanted to know was what this meant for me and for our family. She tried to assure me that she loved me, that she was attracted to me, and that she had no intention of leaving me. I heard the words, but they did not reassure me. Back then I didn’t know anyone who felt same-sex attraction who stayed in their marriage or was still active in the church.
I wanted to minimize the impact on our future. Since she really was attracted to me, and since she chose me, what difference did other attractions make? We would never need to discuss it again, right? Wrong—this reality, even though denied air, had been a dominate force in her perceptions of herself and all her experience. I tried to qualify and quantify her degree of attraction. This was important to me. We both rejected “lesbian” at that point and found “bisexual” to be the most palatable and logical right then. (After all, she said she was attracted to me). I asked her to give me a number on a scale of 1-10 of how attracted she was to women and to me. I rejected and promptly forgot whatever number she gave me. We’d had prior discussions of sexual fluidity, and I think I was trying to both salvage my ego and see the future.
Meghan tells me that a few days later, I told her that I thought she should go visit one of our daughters for a few weeks. I don’t recall making the suggestion, but I certainly was trying to sort out what I wanted and what I was going to do. She didn’t want to leave as she knew this was an exceptionally delicate time for us. However, within days, one of our daughters had a serious health crisis. Meghan left to care for her with nothing resolved between us.
The separation was better for me than it was for Meghan. I needed some space and time alone to grieve, but she needed reassurance of my love and to feel my acceptance of all of her. We did not talk directly about her attraction for women again for the next four years. This was a mistake on my part.
I don’t recall consciously avoiding the topic, but I certainly would have subconsciously. It was and still is painful to me, though not as poignantly. Perhaps I needed time to see what she would do. The choice of what Meghan would do was always her decision, but it would have been wiser and kinder for me during these years to have given her permission (by my interest) to share what she was discovering about herself without fear of my disapproval or rejection. I did need time, even more than her verbal reassurance, to believe our marriage could survive.
I made big mistakes in not being more reaffirming. What I did do right when we finally started talking about it was not to try to control her. I have learned over and over that agency is vital to growth, and I ultimately concluded that only if Meghan had the freedom to leave would either of us trust her choice to stay.
So I made the decision to trust her. She offered to let me read her email and text messages. I told her that she could share what she felt that she should share, but I didn’t need to see anything else. She asked me if I wanted her to tell me every time that she felt any attraction to a woman and to get my permission before she met with anyone privately. I told her that I would be happy to talk if there were anything she felt that she needed or wanted to tell me, but otherwise I trusted her. My trust was exactly what she needed.
My decision to trust her and to tell her that I trusted her was wiser than I knew. Multiple factors contributed to my getting this one right. Here are four that stand out:
1) She had never given me reason to doubt her trustworthiness.
2) We have five daughters, and they individually and collectively taught me that there came a time when I had to let them make critical, high-stakes decisions regardless of how concerned I was with the potential outcome. Trying to control damaged what I was trying to protect.
3) I’ve always loved the Arthurian legends. While an undergraduate I read a manuscript of The Wedding of Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnelle, a 15th-century English poem that Wikipedia says is “one of several versions of the ‘Loathly Lady’ story popular in the Middle Ages.” (See Chaucer’s “The Wife of Bath’s Tale” for an older version and “Sir Gawain and the Loathly Lady,” retold by Selina Hastings, for a more contemporary version).
The story is simple and profound. To his shame, and the horror of all of Arthur’s court, Gawain, the most handsome and chivalrous knight, is obligated by honor to marry a hideous, disgusting hag. On their wedding night, she asks him to come to bed. He steels himself and turns to face her and finds instead of the misshapen, scabby, balding, and snot-covered hag he wed earlier that day, that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She has been enchanted, and he must now decide if she is to appear ugly during the day (when all will pity him) but beautiful at night for his private enjoyment, or beautiful during the day (when all will envy him) and a hideous hag at night.
Gawain wrestles with his pride and desire, and she guides him away from selfishness. Ultimately, he confesses he cannot choose and gives the decision back to her. Allowing her to decide her own future breaks the evil spell. She chooses to be herself, beautiful both day and night. (I highly recommend that all young and old men take this old-wives’ tale to heart).
4) I realized the import for me of the words of Doctrine & Covenants section 121:41-41 “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned: By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—“
“No power or influence…” struck me. Force is never the answer—not even with the best of intentions or in the most righteous cause. God cannot force me to be good and He does not force me to do good. He allows me to choose. I can choose whether or not I want to stay married to Meghan. After I make my decision, for our marriage to have a chance at truly being celestial, it has to be her choice whether or not she stays.
Meghan chose to stay with me, and we continue to choose each other. Is it easy for us? No. I don’t think any marriage is easy; we are still ourselves and still imperfect, but we are choosing to nurture each other and our marriage.
Has she been completely worthy of my trust? I think so, and I choose to believe she has. Meghan is an intelligent, kind, beautiful, and very social woman who is also attracted to women. Worrying about her future choices could eat me alive and would likely be toxic to our feeling love for each other. Instead, I try to focus on what is within my control and will help me have a full life regardless of her choices: being a good person worthy of respect, trust and love. Hopefully she will continue to choose me, but whether she does or not, I can be happy.
Somewhat like Dame Ragnell, Meghan continues to blossom, becoming a stronger, kinder and more beautiful woman. Yes, I still feel pain and some anxiety, but I am happiest when I take care of what is my responsibility and allow her the same freedom. This doesn’t mean we don’t counsel together about important family decisions; we do. We function as one in most facets of life. But our individual decisions on what we will become are just that—individual.
The fundamental reasons that I asked Meghan to marry me in the first place, and that I found our marriage fulfilling before, are unchanged by her acknowledging that she is also attracted to women. She is still beautiful to me and so, so bright. I still enjoy being with her and talking with her. I still love to go on long or short adventures with her and to find new hole-in-the-wall restaurants or visit a familiar favorite. I still love to see her involved in the lives of our children and grandchildren. She still feels love for the Savior, his Gospel and me. I still love her.
Your situation and experience may be vastly different or may be similar to ours. They will not be the same. However, one element will be identical: only you can choose how you will respond to the trials that come with your life. May you be blessed with wisdom and compassion equal to your challenges.
