In the Beginning…

I am a woman attracted to women. While for many women, that is a cause to rejoice rather than mourn, it put me at odds with my religious beliefs, my community, and the life that I felt God wanted for me. That dissonance created a deep shame inside me that devolved at times into suicidal depression, even as my conscious mind refused to acknowledge the cause.

I’m not the first to try to hide myself at all costs. I was determined enough that I hid the truth even from myself, in an excess of denial that would be an amazing achievement if it had not been so damaging.

Melody Betty says, “Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.” (“Letting Go of Denial,” https://melodybeattie.com/letting-go-denial/) I was not ready for the truth for many years.

As a teenager, I was becoming vaguely aware of the nature of my attraction to other girls, and I also had recently joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had a strong testimony of Christ’s restored church, endowed with power and authority from Him, and I was grateful for the baptismal covenant with God that made me His.

Everything I heard about gay people from church sources told me there was no place for us in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—so I buried that truth about myself under a mountain of denial and shame, and it stayed there for the next 40 years.

The shame and fear and secrecy that fueled my denial seeped into every crevice of my life. Midway through my 40 years in the wilderness I co-wrote Reaching for Hope: An LDS Perspective on Recovering from Depression. At the time I couldn’t identify the trigger for my depressive and suicidal episodes—now I’ve figured it out. My attraction to other women didn’t cause my depression. It was the shame I attached to it that did the damage.

I was in my early 50s when I had my moment in the mirror and said to myself “I think it’s time to admit you’re attracted to women.” I didn’t know what that meant for my life—I was married, with 5 adult daughters and a growing collection of grandchildren. My husband and I were both serving whole-heartedly in leadership callings at church, and this truth about me, if revealed, would shake our world.

I held that knowledge to myself for weeks or months, but the Lord soon started to invite me to talk to my husband David. He was the last person I wanted to know—but that invitation came with more and more urgency. At one point I was kneeling on my hands and knees, sobbing into our living room carpet, pleading with God not to require this of me. I was afraid of the pain I would cause David, the potential destruction of all we had built together, the pain for my family and disappointment of my friends, and the impact on my future. Having finally admitted this truth, what did it now require of me? How would my life have to change?

Eventually, my trust in God overcame fear sufficiently for me to act. My life experience had shown me that I can trust Him to work in my life for good, even when my fear is screaming at me to run away from His will.

I obeyed the Spirit, took a deep breath, and talked to David. It felt like stepping off a cliff. In retrospect, I could have done that a lot better (like not on Christmas Eve, for starters). But it felt like a sweet and safe moment, and in that moment I found courage to act on God’s invitation to share with David. Now, I know I should have responded to David’s immediate fears—I could have reassured him that I loved him, that I chose him and would continue to choose him, that my faith and commitment to the church was as strong as ever—all the things that have played out over the last seven years. But in that moment neither of us knew exactly what this meant, for me, for us, or for my church engagement.

There was no road map for us, and I didn’t know if my life with him was a commitment to what was real and meaningful to me, or a betrayal of both of us.

I discovered over time, and with research into female sexuality, that I can be attracted to women and one particular guy—it is situation-specific. But it can’t be created or forced, any more that you can choose to see a falling star. I am attracted to women and one amazing man. We have work with God to create our own road map.

When I talked to David, I did it imperfectly. But it was the beginning of taking down walls of secrecy and fear that kept us separate from each other, and God has indeed worked in our lives for good.