Even If You Don’t

I interviewed incredible women for my upcoming book. I use bits and pieces of those interviews throughout the book, but in an effort to amplify their voices, I offered each of them a chance to tell a fuller story in these blog posts. As you read these stories, you will come to know the strength, struggle, faith, and deep goodness of these women, and I hope you will feel an increase of love and appreciation for them. AJ (not her real name) is in the midst of a heartbreaking change for her family, but she also helps us feel the increased love and presence of the Lord in her life as she navigates her way forward. ~Meghan

By: AJ

When Meghan offered those she interviewed for her book a chance to write a blog post for her new website, I took the chance. 

Living with same-sex attraction as an active, faithful member of the church isn’t easy.  Telling about it isn’t easy either, but maybe I can find a place of acceptance in some of your hearts as you read my story.

I am using the lyrics from the song Even If by Mercy Me; it’s my own personal mantra. 

My story, kind of, started like Meghan’s. I didn’t realize I was attracted to women until I was a married 40-year-old with children. Although, I really should have known. I will blame it on my own immaturity. 

Eventually I told my dearest friend in hopes that I would find some relief from the weight of shame I was carrying around.  She did not take it well. 

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

At that point I had told one person, it hadn’t gone well, so I decided I’d just keep this part to myself. 

For a while I did just that. My husband and I were not in a great place in our marriage, for many reasons.  I knew if I told him, he would be hurt, and I did not want to hurt him. 

At this point, I focused on being honest with God and working out my struggle with Him. A miracle happened during this time; I finally felt like I could hear and speak to Him because I was being completely open with God about everything.  

As I struggled over all this I must have shut myself off to my husband, because one day he accused me of having an affair with one of my male coworkers.  In that moment, I thought if I just explained to him about the same-sex attraction, that would prove I was a faithful wife.  It did not.  My husband, who was already struggling with mental health issues, began months of emotional and verbal abuse that culminated in a physical act of violence that proved we could not continue our current relationship. 

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I was suddenly a single mom. It felt as though I had ruined everything with these feelings of attraction that I couldn’t make go away.  

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

At my lowest point dealing with the SSA and my separation, I handed my Bishop my temple recommend.  I honestly couldn’t answer the last question in the recommend interview, with a “yes” any more. 

“Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord’s house and participate in temple ordinances?”  

I told my Bishop everything I had ever done, every mistake I could think of that could have made God angry with me or led me down the path of destruction I felt I was on. I was sure there was something, some choice I had made, that had led me to this point.  

After listening to me, my Bishop handed me back my recommend and told me that he had heard nothing that would prevent me from going to the temple. 

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

I’m now a soon-to-be-divorced gay mom of five kids. Sometimes my future in the church seems obscured by my current struggles.  However, through all of my challenges, I remind myself daily that God is a God of new beginnings. He is a God of second, third, fourth, and twenty-fifth chances.  He’s blessing my life in ways I never expected.  

There are definitely days when I want to stop trying, days so hard that I’m not sure I can take another step. There are also days when I see and feel God swoop down from the Heavens and pick me up Himself.  Those days are the most amazing, most wonderful days. For the first time ever, I don’t just talk about God’s love as though it is a mythical ideation that I have yet to experience. I can say I have felt it.  I can say with certainty that He loves me!  Through all the suffering and pain, there are moments of sheer joy and happiness like never before.  

Since my husband left, my children and I have taken up camping, we sing and dance in the kitchen in our socks, and make pancakes for dinner--just because. A local scout troop adopted my son, and he is surrounded by good men who are teaching him valuable skills and lifting him up.  My daughters are thriving and happy.  I’ve slowly started making friends at church, something I could never bring myself to do before.  

My children and I have conversations about mental health, loving others, the gospel, church attendance, and God’s love.  Things we had never talked about before. Important things that they needed to learn; important things that I needed to learn. My children miss their father.  I miss my husband.  Life will not be easy for any of us, but with God’s love and help it will be happy and it will be worth it.

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

The path I am on is not one I would recommend for anyone.  It’s full of blood, sweat, and tears—lots of those things, in fact. It’s also my own unique path and regardless of where you are on your own path, it will be different from mine. If you are married and struggling with God about your own SSA, don’t be afraid to tell your husband because mine couldn’t handle it. If you aren’t ready to tell your spouse, don’t.  God is enough.  If you are ready to open up, talk about it.  Tell the world, if you want to.  You will find those who will embrace you, and those who will push you away.  Still, God is enough, and He will not push you away. 

If someone you know talks to you about their struggles with same-sex attraction, please listen and love them. Don’t judge them, don’t make assumptions, please don’t walk away. If you find yourself hurt, as my husband did, please know that those of us struggling with SSA are hurting too. The pain is sometimes so intense for me it seems unbearable. I often find myself shaking, while on my knees in prayer telling God that I cannot take any more of the pain.  

If you have ever wondered why people need to talk about same-sex-attraction, my story (I hope) has shown you why.  

Opening up about SSA is not something we do to hurt anyone. It’s about honesty, it’s about being vulnerable with someone you love, it’s about relief from the heavy weight of shame, it’s about a deep desire to feel loved in our imperfect state by those who we love.

My husband’s inability to accept me as flawed and imperfect destroyed our marriage. It has driven me and my children from his family, whose assumptions about same-sex attraction have wrongly convinced them that my acknowledgement of the feelings mean that I have, in fact, acted upon them. 

We are a people who believe we shouldn’t judge others, but we do.  We are a people who believe everyone is a child of God, but we don’t treat everyone like that. We are surrounded with imperfect people who God asks us to love and serve, and we forget that we ourselves are imperfect too.

Next time you find an imperfect person at church, give him or her a big giant hug.  Maybe if you do that enough, one day, you might find yourself giving me a hug, and God knows I sure could use one. 

However, even if you don’t...

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

Songwriters: Bart Millard / Ben Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Garcia / Tim Timmons

Even If lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Spirit Music Group, Essential Music Publishing