One Year of Light and Truth
One year ago I came out publicly. I had known I wanted to be more open for a couple of years, but I wanted to wait until my family became ready. I don’t know that they ever became completely ready, but I had felt impressed to accept invitations to speak at the North Star conference and Questions from the Closet podcast. Those upcoming public events meant if I wanted people to hear from me personally, I needed to act. I’ve gone into detail about that process in Tender Leaves of Hope, so I won’t repeat it all here. What I want to talk about today is the past year.
Coming Out Eve
I came out on our 40th anniversary. Here we are at dinner Saturday night to celebrate; we were also editing my email that day and David was encouraging me to talk in person the next day to our YSA branch where he was serving as Branch President, and I was Relief Society president.
I worried about the impact of my coming out for several reasons. I worried about the impact on my family. I worried about how my friends and church members would respond to me. What about our YSA branch?? I worried about putting a target on my back and making an already difficult situation even harder. I wondered if I was getting this right—am I really supposed to do this? Or am I just being dramatic/selfish/trendy? What is the real answer to “Why do you have to talk about this?”
The Serenity Prayer helps me put things into perspective: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.” I tried to let go of the outcome where my friends are concerned—I can’t change the way they decide to feel about me, and I’m not doing it for them, in any case. I need courage to do what feels right to me, regardless of the outcome. But I also need wisdom to know what is and is not my job. I want to act in alignment with God’s wisdom and invitations to me. I need to quiet the worrying, fearful, resentful, and angry impulses I may feel so I can act from integrity and kindness.
But what about that outcome? What has happened in the last year? Did I make a big mistake?
Not at all. I feel more free, more myself, and more whole spiritually and emotionally. I feel mostly free of the shame that crushed me, because when I am not hiding I am not in shame. I am able to help others in ways I could not do when I was hidden. I feel more integrity, more at ease with all parts of me coming together rather than being fragmented. I can trust the acceptance of my friends, and if I have lost some, it was not a real friendship. I have seen my children become more comfortable with this reality, and I see some of them beginning to share from their own perspective. I feel there is less fear and shame in all of our relationships.
As I look back on this year, I see that some things were predicable and others not at all. My book was released and I have continued to write and talk about my experience. But I also switched publishers at the last minute. I joined the leadership team of an organization that had helped me years earlier. I met people that I never would have otherwise, and those new friendships have led to new opportunities to contribute in meaningful ways. We moved to Utah! Never saw that one coming. All of these experiences have been good for me, and I hope for others, as well. I’ve talked with and walked with and shared meals with many people, primarily women, who are reaching out for a friend, for community and understanding. My life has been enriched by every one of those new friends.
I also found myself depleted at times. I needed to step back, to take a breath, to check out for a bit. I learned the need to balance input and output. For the most part, I love being with people, but I need some solitude very occasionally.
Mostly what I feel today, on the anniversary of my revealing what I would have given my life to hide a few years before, is gratitude. I’m grateful for the love and acceptance I receive from my family, friends, and God. I could not have imagined any of that 10 years ago. Coming out was healing for me. Life is so much more beautiful than I expected, and I’m glad to come into a place of truth, light, and peace.
