An Unexpected Turn in the Road

I don’t expect many people to understand what I’m about to share. I have a loving and beautiful relationship with my husband, who is the best person I know. I’m grateful for our years together and each member of the family we have created. But we are ending our marriage, to protect my mental health.

I have experienced depression and suicidal ideation for decades—in fact, my first book, Reaching for Hope, was about depression. The ideation has intensified in the past year and a half, and I am finding the incongruencies in my life, as a gay woman, to be unsustainable. David has been incredibly supportive of me since we first met 43 years ago. We have tried in so many ways, both therapeutic and spiritual, to avoid this outcome. I love him, and I am grateful for his kind, good heart and the family that we share.

I know there are people who will be upset and disappointed in me, while others may feel vindicated.  My primary concern right now is my family and their feelings as we work through this difficult time. I also care deeply about friends, former students, and others who may be impacted by our decision, but I don’t want to continue the mistake of trying to make everyone comfortable and happy while erasing myself. My job now is to try to do my best to make good choices for my life, those that will promote the continuation of it.

 My path is unique, and this is not a judgment on anyone’s marriage but my own. Everyone in the LGBTQ/Latter-day Saint community navigates choices and decisions individually, as they feel led by God. As I’ve said in the past, please don’t weaponize my experiences or assume my decisions are right for anyone but me.

I am grateful that through this past period of intense struggle, I have felt God’s love for me shining through the turmoil, pain, and grief. I haven’t received the road map I want from Him, but there have been enough nudges from time to time to help me discern the next right thing.

I am grateful for family and friends who support and love me. I am grateful for the hope I feel in Christ and for the chance to use my time on earth to learn and grow. I am grateful for Jesus’ atoning mission, which provides a space for that learning. I am grateful to God, whose constancy and care for me is the anchor of my life. I’m holding the Thomas Merton Prayer close to my heart:

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you

does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though

I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

I am humbled by the many friends and family who have been patient and supportive; it hasn’t always been pretty, and I am so fortunate to have loved ones who have persisted with me through the hard times. Please keep my family in your prayers as we navigate a future we never envisioned or desired.