I Am Beloved

Jesus teaching us how to love

I haven’t posted for some time. There has been a lot of upheaval and change for my children over the past two years, and I’ve wanted to respect their privacy. I also am in a period of massive transformation, and anything I said one week might have changed significantly by the next. But amidst all the change, there is a still, unmoving center.

My relationship with God has always been central to my life, from the time I was a child. It is my most lasting relationship, and I believe that will never change. But my understanding of God has deepened, from fear of misstep that would bring about divine condemnation, to a deeper understanding of God as the Healer, the Restorer, the patient embodiment and source of Loving Kindness. I’ve learned God is profoundly concerned with my growth, more so than with my perfect obedience. God is deeply engaged with my growing into the fullest, truthful expression of the divinity within.

I believed my attraction to women was at odds with the life God wanted me to live, and I spent decades in shame and varying degrees of despair over my potential to live that life in a way that pleased God. As I started trying to tease out my true self from the roles and acquired beliefs that defined me, I also started to separate out what my soul told me about a loving God from the opinions, declarations, and teachings that blurred my true understanding. This is the God who has revealed Himself to me:

Loving

Merciful

Compassionate

Patient

Provides for the mistakes and sins that accompany growth

Wise

Gentle

Encouraging

Full of grace

Powerful

Attentive

Responsive

Love incarnate, made flesh like me

I am not a burnt sacrifice offered on an alter to a God constructed of human fears; I am a child who is learning to live with justice and respect for all people, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God. I am drawn to God by love—overwhelming, irresistible, soul-filling love. It has always been that love that binds me to him, but fear intruded. I see and feel more clearly now, and I want to be a reflection of the Pure Love who came to earth, clothed in flesh, to know us and love us and heal us.

Here is the irony; I stand with greater confidence in the presence of God today. I am not hiding, not trying to control and remake myself, not trying to earn God’s love and approval, no longer wrapping up and burying my talent/self in fear of a harsh God. The loving God I have come to know encourages risk, forgives mistakes, gently corrects when I get it wrong and brings me back to His good road. This tender God teaches me to love myself as I am loved and tells me I am also the beloved.